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I think it's not as much a topic I always write about as feelings, depression, emotion, whatever. And those center, right now, around the same topics. Most of the time I don't go into an entry about anything thinking about that thing...I go into it feeling like shit and trying to get it out. I just pick everything apart and certain things are mentioned.
Obviously I write about it because I want to figure it out. If I wasn't so confused about it all I wouldn't feel the need to ramble endlessly and topics no one cares about and I don't even want to think about. But I am confused and I try to analyze and pick it apart.
I had a really disturbing dream last night. It involved Allen and Barnes and Noble, which was okay. But then I was supposed to see Matt and he was ignoring my calls. I got a little upset and all of a sudden global warming is all over the news, about how the world is falling apart. I'm freaking out and they're evacuating town, and I still can't get in touch with Matt. So we're sitting there and there's this creek/road, and I dream I'm right next to this woman that's trying to escape town because of the flooding they're calling for. She braces herself for something and nothing happens, and suddenly I'm back up at the top looking down over this and there's blood in the water, and Steph and Mom said there was a crash and they could see the bodies, and it was really disturbing.
At this point my dream self feels like vomiting, and keeps trying to get in touch with Matt because I feel like I really need him. Dream self starts berating self for trusting him too, which was depressing.
Then we're downstairs in my house and everyone's freaking out because it's about to flood. It does, but it stops and we're all safe. Everyone is like wtf, Jesus, are you there? Sadly I'm not kidding. I go into the family room and see the bodies from the earlier crash, laying out on my driveway. It was a couple, and the woman was in shorts and a red halter top. They were beaten up pretty badly but died with her head on his stomach, it looked like they were sleeping if it hadn't been for the blood and death.
None of that makes sense but it was really upsetting when I woke up, so I feel the need to document it. Especially since when I was trying to get to sleep last night I kept drifting off and then waking up because something horrible was happening as soon as I slipped off to sleep, but I couldn't remember what.
so...yeah.
Neurologist today, cheers.