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when I was really little, we were at a park nearby, and I saw a mushroom with many small spores in it. I was really disturbed and stomped on it, then ran away because it still scared me. I've tried to explain this fear to people over the years- things clumped together, really small things clustered, etc- and no one has understood. People give me strange looks and tell me it makes no sense. Being scared of clusters? Holes? What?

Turns out it's an actual phobia. And the feeling I get? It's the actual phobia feeling. Yeah, spiders scare me. But this feeling is downright fucking phobia. I seriously feel like I'm going to cry. I get itchy- inside and out- and my head freezes up, like someone's taken a claw or a hook and just got me. It feels like there's a huge block of disgust filled ice in my chest. It's terrifying. I can't breathe.

Look up "lotus seeds" for a good example of what I'm talking about. Any small holes near each other, clusters or groups of things. It's getting worse since I found out what it is/started talking about it with my therapist, which scares me.

But it is an actual phobia. I've done a bit of research but it's really difficult looking up something you're scared of. I can't looked at too much because pictures pop up in some articles and I get the panicky feeling all over again. Whether they're photoshopped or not, natural or not, they freak me out more than I'd ever like to feel again. It's horrible horrible horrible. Worst feeling in the world.

I hope other people see this when they search for trypophobia. I found a few other blogs in my searches and it's really great to know other people suffer from the same problem that you do. If anyone does come across this in a search, tell me if you've found a way to conquer this. it's really starting to become a problem in my every day life.


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June 2009



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