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Tool- AEnima
Tool- Lateralus (The Holy Gift)
Tool- 10,000 Days
Counting Crows- August and Everything After
Counting Crows- Hard Candy
Kill Hannah- For Never and Ever
Hanson- This Time Around
Natalie Merchant- Tigerlily
Neil Young- Harvest Moon
Jackson Browne- Running on Empty

Close enough, I guess.
talklikelions: (Default)
Why is it that everything is so jumbled and confusing

over thinking, over analyzing separate the body from the mind
withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind

So jumbled, so confused.
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When you look over your shoulder
And you see the life that you've left behind
When you think it over do you ever wonder
What it is that holds your life so close to mine?

You love the thunder and you love the rain
What you see revealed within the anger is worth the pain
And before the lightning fades and you surrender
You've got a second to look at the dark side of the man

You love the thunder and you love the rain
You know your hunger like you know your name
And I know you wonder how you ever came
To be a woman in love with a man in search of the flame

Draw the shade and light the fire
For the night that holds you and calls your name
And just like your lover knows your desire
And the crazy longing that time will never tame

You love the thunder and you love the rain
You know your hunger like you know your name
I got your number if its still the same
You can dream
But you can never go back the way you came
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because Ralph Nader spoiled it.
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A nihilist is a man who judges of the world as it is that it ought NOT to be, and of the world as it ought to be that it does not exist. According to this view, our existence (action, suffering, willing, feeling) has no meaning: the pathos of 'in vain' is the nihilists' pathos — at the same time, as pathos, an inconsistency on the part of the nihilists.
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If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before

Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found
Yeah yeah

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
talklikelions: (cassie staring at food)
loneliness is the saddest thing in the world to me.
talklikelions: (Default)
Ah, now, what to say? What is there ever to say? There are so many feelings, so much pressure, but never any release. Simple thoughts are never simple, I complicate them with unneeded explanations...

Memories are horribly painful, yet sweetly amazing things. I've lived in my memories lately, which is strange. In many ways, I'm on the brink of everything being great. I'll be living on campus next semester, which I'm psyched for. I've made a few friends, though I still know very few people on my campus. For one of those unneeded explanations, allow me to emphasize that this isn't because people avoid me or don't like me. Those I meet tend to like me (though obviously one cannot please everyone). I simply do not meet people. College students rarely interact during classes, unless forced to, and even then the focus is the work. Social lives are meant for times when one isn't in class. Coming in as an outside, having never been socialized on the campus and never been "forced" to meet people, it's hard to have a social life there. You go to class, you leave class, the end. I spend little time on campus when I'm not in class- I leave as soon as I'm done.
Perhaps I really do isolate myself...who's to say?

Back to the point- memories. Smell has always been a particular nostalgia-inducing sense for me. It is for everyone, but there's a reason I get excited when things "smell like fall" or "smell like christmas". I mean them...and fall and christmas are times I associate with happiness, thinness (happiness), comfort, and relaxation. Fall is rarely ever comforting or relaxing, especially when I do FF, because I'm so busy...yet still.
Smell makes things painful. I miss Truman in a very painful, poignant way. I realize that if I had gone back there, I would most likely have remained as miserable as I had been before. And I have pinpointed this mainly to location. Mary Washington is very similar to Truman, except much nearer to...well...civilization. And while I isolate myself, if I want to up and drive to say, Richmond, then I want to be able to do it. At Truman, one faced a 90 minute drive of solitude and flat planes in order to get anywhere. Location is a lot.
I miss the campus, I miss the people. But mostly I miss odd little things, things I didn't realize I would miss. I knew I would miss the people. I knew I would miss Mo Hall and campus and classes there. I knew I'd miss Dr.Harker =D. But I find myself instead thinking about the Rec, or parties at Rachel's house, or sitting in my car with Autumn hijacking my music, playing Nine Inch Nails.

Those things are the painful ones. Nuances, I suppose...people's laughs. Smells, as I've said. The way the carpet in Mo Hall looked on the long trek to the bathroom at 4 A.M.

And this brings me to Seth. I don't miss Seth himself. In fact, until the dreams I've had in which he's been involved, I haven't really thought of him much. He's part of my past, something that seemed too good to be true and was. He lost me a friend and distanced me from another, which I am bitter about. Seth is an angry person, an unhappy person. I see him as gaping, if you will. He wants and yearns for so much, and yet he's always left empty, because he knows he'll never achieve it. He's sad, to be completely honest- I pity him. He's never had a family's love, and never will he truly know it, because of the personality he has committed himself to so wholly. He will never be successful, because he won't allow himself to be. He would rather wallow in his own misery and blame it on others. Perhaps it's easier for him than facing the real world, the world where people smarter and less naive than me can see through him.

I miss being with Seth. I miss the feelings and the touches and the smells. I miss the elation at knowing someone else thought I was great. He didn't think I was great after all, but he had me pretty convinced. He actually seemed to have thought me a bit of a joke, but that's alright...comparing my life to his, I think the joke is on him.

When I was with Seth, I thought I understood love songs. I thought, I'm finally at that place that I've longed for...the place where someone else can fill up the hole I can't fill on my own. I saw things differently, and I saw things more negatively (an effect Seth has, I learned). I isolated myself from my friends because they didn't understand. Now I know that they did understand- they saw him as sketchy, untrustworthy. But I vested all of my trust in Oz, and thus in what Oz told Autumn to say. Autumn told me the truth about Seth from the start...that she didn't trust him. She was the one that told him he had to break up with Tanya (which he didn't actually do). She was the one that gave me doubts, and I hated that. I hated the doubts and insecurities she gave me. Now, of course, I realize that she was right. Whether this was out of true concern or something else- Autumn is extremely difficult to read- I might never know. But she was right. MY doubts were right. I picked up on things, Seth denied them vehemently.

Oh, that word. One of the things that sucked me so easily in to his "spell" was that he noticed things about me that most people never do. He complimented my history knowledge, and he commented on my larger-than-average vocabulary. Perhaps I'm hungrier than I thought for these compliments. According to my friends, things like that go without saying with me. According to my friends, I'm pretty, I'm smart, etc, and no one should have to tell me these things. Christen once said, "We all see it, so I guess it's kind of hard for us to understand why YOU don't see it. It's so obvious". Something along those lines.

Maybe she was right. Maybe I should see it...but I don't. I somehow see myself as completely average most of the time. I compare myself to only the best- the best student in each class, the thinnest girl in each room. I'm constantly on my guard, aware of my body taking up space, of my words and how they impact people. This automatically allows for comparison. And I overthink. Did I say that right? Did I word that okay? Is my shirt at the right level compared with the skirt I'm wearing? Does anyone notice that this shoe has a small stain on it? Are people seeing my thighs and wondering why I'm in public? Are people looking at me from the corners of their eyes, wondering why is that girl eating? she's fat enough as is.

The only times I really think of the way others perceive me is when I think it's negative. Which is most of the time. I get nervous when people look at me, or smile at me, because I worry that I look stupid or am doing something wrong. How one can fuck up a smile is beyond me, but my mind tells me I am. Only when I'm in the best of moods, with the best of confidence, do I think, that guy is probably looking at me because he thinks I'm cute.. Or even that someone might be noticing the dress I'm wearing and liking it.

I intimidate people- I know that. Once again, friends have told me this. I'm intimidating, because I seem, outwardly, to be confident and strong. I can't even talk about my problems with my therapist, so I definitely can't express my feelings to my friends or people around me. I have a strong personality, but it's a defense, not something to be proud of. I'm not strong because of true strength. I'm strong because I'm afraid. I fear everything, I fear people. I get anxiety at the most minor social situation. Phone conversations exhaust me. So I come across as strong to seem to others that I'm confident and assertive. Perhaps it is a major overcompensation...if I come across this way to people, then in my mind, I'm coming across as ever so slightly normal.
It works, at least- to others, I seem the way I should.

Where am I going with this? Who knows. I don't know much right now, except that I needed to write, desperately. This is only a small fraction of everything that needs to get out, but at least some of it got out. I have no means to express my feelings anymore...over the years, I've done it through art, clothing, writing,, I bottle everything up, I become angrier and angrier and more and more bitter. I'm bitter toward everything, everything except the most innocent of subjects. Perhaps I'm the most bitter toward myself and the person I will never be.

I fear for my future. I'm scared of who I am and who I will be. Scared that I will never "find myself". I can't even describe myself to people, and like I said, I can't even talk to my therapist. This isn't because I don't want to, but because I don't know what there is about me to say. I don't know what's there, who's there, what's going on, half of the time. I just do what I'm supposed to. When I find myself drifting off into my own thoughts...well, perhaps I should allow that to happen more often.
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Such a tumultuous ride, feelings, emotions, senses. Dreams and waking and wondering...listening and feeling and over-thinking.

I have many things to think through, not one of them easy. I envy the lives of those who simply wake up every day and do...and yet, most of those I know like that are miserable or angry people.

Very strange dreams lately. The past two nights, Seth has been in my dreams, though I simply cannot figure out why or what he symbolizes- if anything. Neither dream was he particularly like himself, and he was fat in them. In one, he was very the other, very successful, rich, and dating a fat woman. With a pet spider.

I'm not a very firm believer in dreams reflecting your subconscious, or should I say, I'm not a very firm believer in the ability to interpret them. I'm sure there might be meaning in this, but there is WAY too much going on in there to interpret what the hell it means. Not to mention the fucking insane dreams that happened after those ones.

So much to think over and write out...but yet again, have run out of time.
talklikelions: (Default)


okay I'm done with caps lock. Love my job, I really do. I get paid an awesome amount to act insane. But it's so cold outside, and my costume doesn't cover enough to keep me warm outside. frowny face to that =(

anyways. bed. must sleep.
talklikelions: (Cats- Victoria)
"Do you see the man in the moon?" he asked me. I turned to look at the moon. Esau bent down so his head was level with mine. He pointed.

"Right there," he said. "Do you see him? He's sitting on the edge of that big crater. They left him there when he landed, by accident. They forgot him. Now he just sits there and thinks."

I squinted hard and said, "I see him!" We stared at the moon for awhile. "What does he eat?" I asked.


"Is he lonely?"

Esau said, "Oh yes. He's very lonely."

"That's sad."

"But see where the light comes down from the moon and hits the lake?"

I nodded.
I would see anything my brother wanted me to see.

"Sometimes he slides down the moonbeam and goes swimming and talks to fish."

"Then why can't he just go home?"

Esau straightened up, and we turned toward the house. "He doesn't remember home anymore," Esau said. "Moonflowers make you forget things like that."
talklikelions: (Default)
talklikelions: (Default)
when I was really little, we were at a park nearby, and I saw a mushroom with many small spores in it. I was really disturbed and stomped on it, then ran away because it still scared me. I've tried to explain this fear to people over the years- things clumped together, really small things clustered, etc- and no one has understood. People give me strange looks and tell me it makes no sense. Being scared of clusters? Holes? What?

Turns out it's an actual phobia. And the feeling I get? It's the actual phobia feeling. Yeah, spiders scare me. But this feeling is downright fucking phobia. I seriously feel like I'm going to cry. I get itchy- inside and out- and my head freezes up, like someone's taken a claw or a hook and just got me. It feels like there's a huge block of disgust filled ice in my chest. It's terrifying. I can't breathe.

Look up "lotus seeds" for a good example of what I'm talking about. Any small holes near each other, clusters or groups of things. It's getting worse since I found out what it is/started talking about it with my therapist, which scares me.

But it is an actual phobia. I've done a bit of research but it's really difficult looking up something you're scared of. I can't looked at too much because pictures pop up in some articles and I get the panicky feeling all over again. Whether they're photoshopped or not, natural or not, they freak me out more than I'd ever like to feel again. It's horrible horrible horrible. Worst feeling in the world.

I hope other people see this when they search for trypophobia. I found a few other blogs in my searches and it's really great to know other people suffer from the same problem that you do. If anyone does come across this in a search, tell me if you've found a way to conquer this. it's really starting to become a problem in my every day life.

I mean this

Sep. 6th, 2008 02:53 am
talklikelions: (snow)
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Well contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
Like fine-winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm the slow dying flower
I'm the frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour and untouchable

Oh, I need the darkness, the sweetness
The sadness, the weakness
Oh I need this
I need a lullabye, a kiss goodnight
An angel's sweet love of my life

I'm the slow dying flower
The frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour and untouchable

Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness that I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them

I need the darkness, the sweetness
The sadness, the weakness
I need this
I need a lullabye, a kiss goodnight
Angel's sweet love of my life
Oh I need this

Is it dark enough, can you see me
Do you want me, can you reach me
Or I'm leaving
Better shut your mouth and hold your breath
Kiss me now or catch your death
Oh, I mean this
talklikelions: (nast beam)
So I'm sitting in Combs doing my French homework before class, and these girls are sitting across from me talking. And idk what this girl is on about b/c I'm not really listening, but I catch a bit of the conversation, and she lists of her reasons for doing something, and they are as follows:

"Because it's cheap, it's free, and it doesn't cost anything"

.... some people are really clever. No, really. I'm astounded.
talklikelions: (Default)

I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. “WTF!! James almust shot Luciious!!” I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.

“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly.

“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly and goffically.

“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

“Dis is…Hedwig!!11” Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.

“Lol hi Enoby.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!!)

“Bye.” I sed all sexily.

“Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem?? dey kik azz!!).

lol oh god, the LOL's are so fucking endless.
~My Immortal~, the reason I should read fanfiction. I have seen the light.

brb lol'ing.

talklikelions: (Default)
lol and it worked too
what did I say
talklikelions: (Default)
God, you're all so predicatable. Every single one of you. If I were more of a bitch, I would make an entry highlighting how predictable every one of you is. Instead, I'll just say that you are.

Once would be ok. I mean, curiosity killed the cat and all that, right? And everybody wants to be a cat. But come on. Getting a little ridiculous. And obvious. I'm surprised I haven't gotten any more threatening calls lately. Italian mafia is coming after me because pseudo intellectual with bad hair says so! ohnoes!

Just stop caring so much. I have. I moved on ages ago----why can't the rest of you? It's just...well...funny, honestly. Funny and a little sad...when I'm feeling sympathetic.
talklikelions: (Default)
Also, I think Seth might have knocked Ruba (or whoever he's fucking right now) up. Major lulz.


talklikelions: (Default)

June 2009



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